Sunday, December 30, 2012

New Year Revolutions

Pah! to resolutions - made in haste and broken even faster.

No, this year, I thought I'd try something a little more fun. A little more of a challenge. I thought I'd try and kick a bit of bottom, horticulturally. OK, so it'll end up as a damp squib, but at least I will have got a few things off my chest. We want a Revolution!

So I shall start 2013 with an attempt to get a few New Year Revolutions going. Perhaps I can change a few things, to make the world a better place - for me, at least...

Revolution 1:
First against the wall will be all gardening journalists who refer to a few clashing flower colours as "outrageous" or "courageous". No, just a bit bright.

Revolution 2:
Start up a new gardening magazine. It will contain normal sized gardens. Too long have I had to put up with a single patronising "small gardens" issue per annum. Yes, I'm looking at you, Gardens Illustrated. Of course, it will flop as I expect I'm the only person who would like to see interesting smaller gardens. I suppose others prefer to see identikit rolling acres with huge herbaceous borders and natural swimming ponds the size of a small sea.

Revolution 3:
Singlehandedly make candytuft the "must have" plant for 2014 (I thought 2013 would be pushing it). It's so retro it's futuristic. Candytuft will be in all the Chelsea gardens in 2014, mark my words. By 2016, it will be everwhere, and the plant snobs will begin the backlash.

Revolution 4:
Develop a new form of parasitic nematode. It will parasitise smug proselytisers, such as rabid organic souls. Parasites can do some really weird things to their hosts. Good. I try to garden organically, but find it ironic that organic gardening allows a range of chemicals which I find hard to believe could be classified as "organic".  I've wondered about organic gardeners' use of Bordeaux mixture for some time, as it is harmful to wildlife, but at least is is being banned from Feb 2013. I have to say, I'd develop a similar parasite to attack those gardeners who have spraying regimes which would put the American army's use of Agent Orange to shame. Blackspot isn't the end of the world, you know. Sorry, that one was a bit of a rant. Still, it is *my* revolution - I can rant if I want.

Revolution 5:
Ban any more bl**dy heuchera cultivars. Especially those that are the colour of sick (i.e. most of them).

Revolution 6:
There is no revolution 6.

Revolution 7:
OK, a garden can be critiqued like a piece of art, but some people really do visit just because of the coffee and cake. They have busy lives, and think about lots of other stuff in a deep way. Perhaps they just want to take a deep breath and admire the achilleas. Chill out about it, please!

Revolution 8:
Require that all references to bumblebees are superceded by the term "foggie toddler". Any non-compliances will be dealt with severely (i.e. forced to give garden room to spray-painted heathers).

New Years Eve addition:
Revolution 9:
Er, helloooo! Gardening magazines (or those contributors asked to write the "25 must visit gardens" reviews). Please note: once you get north of Oxfordshire, there aren't just barren glacial wastes. There are a few gardens up here. Well, I say up here, but I only live in Cheshire, and there's quite a lot of the UK above me. I realise that in these straitened times travel expenses might be reduced, but not every garden up north has been dug up by whippets wearing flat caps and drinking stout. I think Scotland and Wales might want a word, too.

Happy new year. And remember, if you want to be ahead of the fashion for 2014, get growing candytuft!

14 comments:

Lucy said...

When you do your small garden magazine, can it be a proper small garden where every side casts shade at some point in the day so the sunny bit's confined to the middle - and there's not much middle? Seems to me 'small' rooms and 'small' gardens are often just small sections of bigger ones - which isn't the same.

Perhaps there should be a 'humane gardening' movement that doesn't use nematodes?

What is a garden for if it isn't for eating cake in?

What's a foggie toddler?

Hurray for candytuft.

Hurray for the year ahead.

Happy 2013.

Felicia said...

lol I enjoyed the list. Must look for candytuft to plant for 2013! :)

Victoria Summerley said...

To the barricades! Here's to 2013 and the candytuft revolution.

Anna said...

Long live the revolution and a most happy new year! xxx
PS Candytuft makes me sneeze otherwise I would get sowing,

VP said...

Um, I've always had candytuft in my garden. Can't believe I'm so ahead of the trend ;)

To the barricades!

John said...

Viva la revolucion

Ryan Lewis said...

Thanks for the giggle and Foggie Toddler - who would have thunk it?!

jacquibrocklehurst said...

Long live the revolution! Can we bin off prairie planting in 2013 ? My humble garden will never be big enough x

Emily said...

I just happened on your blog and love it! The writing and the photos are wonderful. I'm hooked! And have my musket primed especially for numbers 5 & 7

catharine howard said...

sounds pretty punchy - hope you stick to your guns

Nutty Gnome said...

I'm in on the revolution - and ahead of my time with candytuft! Thanks for a great giggle oh, and I love you willow weaving - it looks way better than my own attempts!

Debbie said...

Hi, only just joined your blog so only just read this, made me laugh, up the revolution.
I remember candy tuft from the first time around, our garden used to full of it.

Lady Kitchen said...

Hi,
Just stumbled across your blog and I am with you on the 'normal sized gardens'. I'd love not to have to read something where I am pitied for having my very normal sized garden! Also, these urban postage stamp gardens in central london are not the only alternative to rolling hills. Most of us are just trying to create a nice space in our very normal back garden.

Jon said...

As a gardener north of oxford I can only agree that we get ignored in most of the garden reviews.

Let's ban the south east from being mentioned at all!